The Coincidence Theorist's Guide To Political Assassination

Conspiracy Theorist:

Did you hear about this one? The coroner called it 'suicide', but the papers say the guy who killed himself...

-- slashed his wrists and ankles
-- injected himself with four different poisons
-- shot himself three times in the head
-- raped himself repeatedly
-- ran over himself with his own car
-- tortured himself with an electric drill
-- jumped off the same bridge twice
-- stabbed himself several times with a hunting knife
-- poured gasoline over his body and lit himself on fire
-- dove in front of a moving freight train
-- cut his own body into little pieces
-- and buried himself in an unmarked grave.

Does that sound like suicide to you?

Coincidence Theorist:

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Conspiracy Theorist:

Oh come on! What kind of suicide is that?

Coincidence Theorist:

That was a man who really wanted to die.