Monday, October 30, 2006

Be Prepared!

Part II of a series | Part I

Yesterday, in the first installment of How To Survive The Midterm "Elections", I tried to remind everyone how dangerous the upcoming "elections" can be to our health.

Today's installment deals with the one (and possibly only) thing every Boy Scout should know -- Be Prepared!

Here is a very short list of things you need to do before the "election".

  • You need to register before you can "vote". If you have not registered yet, you may still have time. But you have to hurry. Where and how you can register depends on where you live. Whether you can register at all depends on where you live and some other things too. Be Caucasian if possible. And try not to have the same name as a convicted felon.

  • You need to know where your polling place is. For most of my readers, this means you need to know the address of the building where the "voting" is going to take place. For readers in Ohio, you may need to know not only which building, but which room and in some cases which table.

  • You need to know when the "election" is. Here's a hint: It's next Tuesday, November the 7th. And that's the same everywhere in the whole country. It doesn't depend on where you live, or what color your skin is, or how much money you make, or whether you prefer stylized donkeys to stylized elephants. The "election" is next Tuesday. That's when you will go and "vote" (unless you "vote" by mail or absentee or early, in which case you can safely disregard this entire paragraph -- you lucky dog).

  • You need to know what documents to take with you when you go to your polling place in order to "vote". Again, this depends on where you live. In some jurisdictions, the rules have changed since the last "election". If you live in one of these places and prefer stylized donkeys, it's quite possible that nobody bothered to tell you. You may rest assured that they did so deliberately.

  • You need to know who you are going to "vote" for. Or against. At least one or the other, preferably both. Depending on where you live, there may not be anyone you can feel good about "voting" for. In this case I advise you to hold your nose and "vote" for the least available evil. Why do I give this advice? The alternative -- "voting" in another jurisdiction where there is somebody to "vote" for -- could land you in prison for a long time. Unless you're Anne Coulter.

  • Tomorrow I will assume that you are registered, that you know where to go, when to go there, and what to take with you, and that you have either decided who to "vote" for or plan to decide within the next few days.

    If you don't meet all these requirements, there's your homework.

    Any questions?

    Part III