Wednesday, November 1, 2006

Standing In Line

Part III of a series | Part II | Part I

Monday, in the second installment of How To Survive The Midterm "Elections", we talked about the pre-requisites to "voting": registration and so on.

Now that you have registered and are eligible to "vote", now that you know where to go, when to go there and what to take with you, it's time to talk about one of the great joys you will experience while taking part in an "election" -- standing in line.

Nobody wants to stand in line, even for the privilege of casting a "vote" in an important "election", but it's an unfortunate fact of the matter. However, there are several ways in which you can reduce the amount of time you will spend waiting for a chance to cast your "vote":

  • Be as caucasian as possible. This is very important. "Voting" while black, brown, red, yellow, orange, green or any other non-white color is both dangerous and time-consuming.

  • Be as wealthy as possible. Ostentatiously wealthy is good in this case. Wear plenty of expensive jewels.

  • Live in an affluent neighborhood, one uncontaminated by students or seniors or people of other ethnic and cultural backgrounds.

  • Don't have anything else to do all day long. This will guarantee a short lineup. Murphy's Other Law is in effect here; the one that says "the more things you have to do in a day, the longer it will take to do each of them."

  • Wear a brand new suit -- from Paris if possible. If no Parisian suit is available you may substitute one from Venice, but in this case you must wear brand-new shoes with it, so as not to appear "gauche".

  • Arrive in a Limousine or a Mercedes and/or accompanied by several well-built Italian bodyguards.

  • Be neither too young (and idealistic) nor too old (and frail).

  • Show support for the so-called president and his policies. You may wish to wear a t-shirt bearing the slogan "Endless, Mindless War? Sign Me Up!"

  • If all else fails, arrive with friends disguised as Michael Chertoff and John Negroponte.

  • Part IV