The blood-clot attack -- the first of its kind in the history of global terror -- may trigger a thermonuclear war between the United States and the rest of the world, beginning with Iran and Lebanon and not stopping "until every dirty little rag-head is entombed in a great huge glass crater," according to diplomatic sources.
Pressed for evidence tying Iran and Hezbollah to the attack, White House spokesman Tony Snowjob replied: "Did you notice what leg it was? We did! It was his left leg! What did you think? Did you think we were going to miss something that blatant? Do you think we're dummies or something?" Our correspondent thought it best not to answer that question.
Doctors say the clot will not threaten the vice president's life if it can be kept from his lungs:
"A major goal of treatment is to prevent further abnormal clotting in the body and to avoid complications such as the development of a blood clot in the lungs," said CBS News medical correspondent Dr. Jon LaPook.A source in the medical community who wished to remain anonymous has pointed out that the vice president appears immune to two of the three most dangerous scenarios which threaten normal people who suffer from blood clots. He referred to the possibility that the clot could become mobile and lodge in the patient's heart -- or in his brain.
Fortunately for the vice president, he seems to lack these two vulnerable structures, so he is not threatened by either of these two scenarios. Fortunately as well, he's already on anti-coagulants. According to normally reliable sources, he began taking blood-thinners three weeks before the Iranian blood-clot terrorists struck, following secret advice he received from a friend of the White House.