Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Should I Kill My Neighbor?

I've got a dilemma; maybe you can help. I'm trying to decide whether I should kill my neighbor.

I'm not talking about my next-door neighbor. We get along fine. I'm talking about the guy across the street.

Word around town says he's been looking to buy a knife. He says he needs it to cut his food, but I don't believe him. If I believed him, I'd sell him one of my knives. I've got plenty.

I've got all kinds of knives: butter knives, steak knives, bread knives, carving knives ... I've even got a cleaver and a machete. I could easily sell him a set of knives, if I wanted to. I wouldn't miss 'em. But, you see, the thing is, I don't want him to have a knife!

I'm afraid if he had a knife, he would hurt somebody. And I'm not the only one.

I actually don't think he's civilized enough to handle a knife. I mean, he might be fine for the first hour or two, maybe even a whole day ... but sooner or later he's gonna want to cut somebody. And I don't want to see that happen.

My friends and I, we all have knives, but we're ok with them, we know how to use them. But the guy across the street, I don't really think he could deal with being a knife owner. I mean, that's a big responsibility, and look at him! He's never had a knife in his life. Look at his parents! They don't have knives either. There are no knives in that family going back generations, and there's probably a good reason for that, don't you think?

But that's not all. This is not just about one knife. I actually don't think he'd stop with just one knife. He'd want more than one. He'd want a whole set of knives, and after he got tired of knives, it wouldn't be long before he'd want a gun.

The reasons why he shouldn't have a gun are obvious. I mean, look at him! Look at his parents! They don't even have knives!!

In fact, nobody across the street has a gun, and only a few of them have knives, and I'd like to see it stay that way. I've been talking to some of my friends around the neighborhood -- I mean, guys on my side of the street -- just kinda casual and quiet-like, filling them in on what's happening, and listening to them talk, and I can tell you: None of them wants to see the guy across the street get a gun!

That's natural, that's normal, if you ask me. In fact, they did ask me, and I told them to think of their wives and their kids and how awful we'd all feel if any of them ever got shot -- or even stabbed! And they all reacted more or less the same. So I think we're all on the same page about neighborhood security.

But there's more: I didn't mention this around the neighborhood -- no use sharing all my secrets! -- but just between the two of us: I'm afraid if the guy across the street gets a gun, he might take a shot at one of my tanks!

In fact, I'm sure he'd do it, because that's the kind of guy he is -- just look at his parents if you don't believe me -- and I really don't want to see that happen, for a number of reasons, which why bother listing them? You know what I mean, right?

So that's why I'm thinking I should kill him now, before he even gets a knife. You know how those people are; once they decide to commit their lives to hatred and violence, there's no stopping them.

So, even though he doesn't have a knife yet, I just know he's gonna get one sooner or later, unless I do something about it. And the sooner you do something like this, the better.

So I think I should nip it in the bud, cut it off at the root, stop it before it starts, put the kibosh on it. I mean, just anticipate it, get pro-active for a change, and abort the enemy mission before it gets off the ground.

I'm gonna kill him on his side of the street so I don't have to kill him on my side.

I think that's best. I really do.